Last One Standing, but Not Alone.

Of my close friends from high school, I’m one of the few people who are still single. Of my group of close friends in college, I’m one of the few who are still single. It’s strange.

Please don’t misunderstand my sentiment- I make this remark not for sympathy or pity, just an observation.

I can still remember a conversation that took place at gathering of high school friends during a college break of our freshman year (of college). We sat in the basement of Bethany’s house, where most of our gatherings took place, and we wondered who would get married first, then second, third and so on. Some of us were in serious relationships, though a lot of us were not (I was not). I didn’t think I would be the first, or even the second – but my friends and I guessed I would be somewhere in the middle. I was, after all, attending a Christian college – the type of institution famous (infamous at times) for introducing young, Christian scholars to their “soul mates” while also earning a bachelor’s degree (A B.A. and an M.R.S.!)

Approximately a year after that conversation, the first of our group announced her engagement, followed by more engagements and eventually more wedding in the months and years to follow. I was happy for my friends- I am still happy for my friends – but at some point I looked around and realized that I was one of the last ones standing (alone that is).

As much as I don’t want it to be, it’s been a point of contemplation that’s been somewhat significant throughout my twenties. Falling in love and getting married have always been hopes for my life story, but I can’t say that they’ve been the center of my story. It’s a plot line that I want to happen, but at the right time (if there is such a thing as a right time).

I’ve never been one to rush into decisions, especially those of the heart. Those sorts of decisions are enduring and vital – and perhaps that’s why I’m so careful about them. If I went on an amazing first date, and it ended in the guy declaring his love for me, or telling me that I was “the one” I would run away, block his number, and avoid any further contact. Even if the date was perfect, even if he seemed wonderful, that sort of disclosure would send me into retreat. But even for the cautious, the pursuit and acceptance of love involves vulnerability and risk. I realize this.

It’s OK to be single, even if you are a Christian (even a Christian over 25)

I’ve also realized, that even though most of my friends are married, I’m fine where I am. My singleness isn’t a symptom of disfunction (it’s actually quite normal for college-educated woman to marry in their late twenties). It isn’t a sign that I’m “called to be single” or that my faith isn’t strong enough for marriage or that I have issues that I need to work through before marriage (I’ve actually had people ask and tell me these things). The fact that I’m not married means, simply, that I’m not married yet.

Being single in my twenties has afforded me a lot of amazing opportunities – to relocate to St. Louis for graduate school, to visit amazing places, to be afforded more time for ministry and music and learning (some of my favorite pursuits), to attend almost every major family event, and even to leave a lucrative corporate career for a smaller-paycheck-but-better-match-career in higher education. I could have done all of those things as a married person, but as a single person decisions and transitions were easier to make.

Last One Standing, But Not Alone

I may be one of the last of my friends to enter matrimony, it’s possible that I may even be the last – but I’m not alone. I don’t like the term “single” because it implies isolation, being alone. But that hasn’t been my experience. Yes- there are times when I feel alone in my situation, especially in the church, I don’t stand alone. I am surrounded by a host of friends and family members who love me and who I love deeply. I belong to a church community, a college community and the Community of believers.